An Agnsty-Teen-Esq, Song Inspired Blog Post

By Dakota Dean

Dedicated to:  Matt, Tyson, Neecholl, Cory, Nay, Kween Treen, Jeff, Colton, Rush, Mike, Chris, Selea, Mr. Sabin, & Abe.

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]oday this was the first song to come up on shuffle when I put my headphones in. Six years ago, when I first heard this song, it instantly gave me chills. It’s never lost that effect. I heard it at a time when I had just mustered up the strength to pull myself out of a pretty bad depression. For a long time I had struggled with identity, self worth, and self trust. I was broke, had no future, no plans, and no faith.  I never stood up for myself.  Through my whole period of depression, creativity was just about the only thing that would offer the smallest amount of warmth and passion to my life.  But I never worked hard on my creative passions, or invested too much time in them.  It felt childish and, well, unrealistic.

A Day To Remember – All I Want

[dropcap]T[/dropcap]his song didn’t change my life or anything.  But it eerily came out right after I had made a few important decision about how I was going to live my life moving forward. Hence: the chills.  Around that time I made the following choices, and promised my self to do the following:

1. I was always going to speak my mind. I was going to be honest and forthcoming about my views, opinions and feelings. Even if I knew that those around me would not like them, or me. I decided that it was more important to be trusted, respected, and heard, as opposed to being likable and making others happy.

2. I was going to fight like hell to live life on my own terms. Even if it was less convenient, I would do things my way, or my way.

3. No matter how crazy or impossible my passions felt, I would always peruse them. I made a promise never to get old and tell my children “I didn’t take advantage of the opportunities I had. I would have LOVED to do this, but It didn’t seem worth the effort.” If I die as an old, broken failure, I would do so happily knowing that I never gave up.

4. I would never again feel like an outcast, because home would be wherever I made it. And there would always be room for one more person at the dinner table.

5. I would always trust my own instinct, my gut, and my own heart.

6. I would give equal eager interest to finding my own weaknesses as I would my own strengths, and would fully embrace and own up to all of them.

7. I would never compromise any of these values to fit in. I would smile, nod, and walk away from anyone who told me I was crazy, selfish, or arrogant. I would value and weigh every opinion presented to me, but I would never again let anybody (even those close to me), dictate my morals, or how I would live my life. I would be who I was, and people could take it or leave.

[dropcap]H[/dropcap]ere are just a few things that have happened to me over the past 6 years as a result to sticking to these convictions:

I have far fewer friends than I did in 2010 when I first heard this song. But the friends I’ve got now will go to the end of the world to take care of me. I work myself to exhaustion on my passion projects, and nobody can tell me to slow down take a step back, or choose a smarter path. I’m tired, happy, and in love with the bitter sweet combination.

I’ve not yet become a millionaire. In fact, I drive a 20 year old car, and for the past two years I’ve worn the same paint covered sweats every day when I get off of work. I don’t eat out very often. But my credit is awesome, and I have a healthy start to my retirement plan and a future of financial freedom.

I’m single, and I don’t get invited out most weekends.  People who know and like me best would not describe me with the tags “Cool”, “Popular” or “A Chill Guy”, but rather with a disclaimer that says “He can be a pill.  You might get used to him.”

I have been fired several times. I’ve had my heart broken more than once. I’ve slept on couches. For a brief period of time in 2012 I was homeless, friendless, and penniless, and I even recall living off one bag of rice for a week in 2013.  I’ve had my most trusted friends abandon me when I needed them most, and strangers drop everything to give me a hand.

Two years ago I had an ex girlfriend write me a letter telling me that she hoped the next person I was with could put up with my lack of concern for the way my opinions, blunt personality, habits, and honesty made people feel.  I’ve gotten uglier, i’m not ripped and in shape like I used to be, and my clothes don’t fit like I’m a GQ model anymore. Women don’t compliment or approach me as much as they used to. My family tells me I look tired.

[dropcap]I[/dropcap]’ve cut ties with everyone I know more than once. I’ve put years of time and money into creative projects, into bands, into business ventures only to see them fail and disappear. I cant count the number of times I had walked alone for miles, in the freezing rain, at 1:00am, only to wait an hour for a bus to take me to a 150 square foot “apartment” in the most dangerous area of town.  Then I woke up the following morning and put gloves on so I could sit in the garage while I waited for my ramen noodle breakfast to cook on an uneven hot plate with only half of a working burner.

I’ve also had some very good jobs where I have been promoted quickly and frequently. I came from being a high school dropout to being a college student with straight A’s, only to realize that my best opportunities didn’t necessarily lie in a degree. I’ve taken massive pay cuts in order to have a healthier work life balance.

I’ve learned a second language. I’ve traveled to more places in the past three years than I had in the previous 24. I’ve read 43 books, fiction and nonfiction. I’ve yelled with hundreds at protests, and cheered with thousands at political rallies. I’ve eaten food in an alley with the homeless, and sat across from millionaires while paying $250 for a plate of food that I couldn’t pronounce.

I randomly made a a fairly decent rap EP and performed my rhyme on stage for Dozens of moderately interested strangers!  I spent 3 days in the very recording studio where my favorite band recorded my favorite album of all time, and got to be a part of producing some incredible music written by some very close friends who are now signed with Sony.

[dropcap]I[/dropcap]’ve moved halfway across the country on a gut impulse, and found that the world is a lot smaller and safer than I was taught.  I went from never having held a paintbrush in my life, to being a top selling artist at a gallery in Kirkland. I’ve been placed on city council committees, a board of directors. I’ve had my photography published on nationally recognized publications.

I’ve watched my life take me everywhere, yet nowhere intended, all at the same time.

 I know many people who are happier than I, do better than I, have more success than I, travel more than I, and have more friends than I.  There are many who follow the rules and get better, quicker results than me. But they are completely different people. I have a place to call my own, and even when It’s empty, I never feel alone. I don’t keep my voice down, I leave no words unspoken, and save regrets for everyone else. I look back with an ever increasing infrequency. I keep my hopes up high, my head down low, and I’m focused on me. More and more, the results continue to exceed my every expectation.

Currently, I live in a downtown mid rise apartment,  in the heart of one of the wealthiest cities on the west coast.  By this time next year, I guarantee I will be somewhere completely different that I never expected.  But I know that, good and bad, over the past few years I’ve always had a home.  Where is your home? Do you have a place to call your own?  If not, you are always welcome to sit at my table.

Today, at that table, I raise my glass to all those who have been with me through thick and thin. To the few who have been around since before 2010, and to those who arrived at half time. To those who have declined my invitations for dinner, and to those who have stopped by once, only to never return, I raise my glass higher!

[dropcap]B[/dropcap]ut the biggest toast, with a tall glass full of my favorite scotch and my arm raised high above my head, is owed to a select few. To those of you who are confident enough to frequently look me in the eye and tell me straight, “You are an arrogant, passionate, know it all, asshole, with a heightened sense of self importance, and a bad habit of making people listen to your long winded explanations of your feelings.  You work too much, and love too little… and sometimes it’s difficult being this good of friends with you”, I say cheers!  You all know who you are. It’s not in my character to say this as often as I should, but know that I love you all very much. Thank you for sticking around, and from time to time, joining me for dinner.

*Clink*